I think I’m pretty strong but I ended up in a toxic relationship.
I used to look at people who stayed with abusive partners and think – what the fuck? Why? But I think I get it now.
Someone who is abusive, in my case a coercive controller, sort of gets in your head and twists it up. Well, that’s what happened to me. It happened so slowly and he was so clever with it I just didn’t notice until I was in too deep.
Tricked into believing he was a man he was not, I ended up moving in with him, and then the shit really went down.
I couldn’t go anywhere alone, he would shout his opinions over and over into my face until my brain went numb, He’d slag off my family and push them away. Every time I invited people over he said he needed some chill time. He didn’t like me having long baths, writing in my journal, reading while he was watching TV. I even got terrified to go to the toilet in the night because if I woke him he’d be really angry at me.
I could go on and on but the important bit of my story is that I suddenly woke up and saw him for who he was, and I got out. It was scary doing it but my mates and my family were amazing and really supported me.
After I got away, I lived in fear of him and had the police out a few times when he sent some abusive stuff. They warned him to leave me alone. I think he’s got the message now. I still get a bit scared sometimes.
I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I could let someone like that into my life and let him control me. If it could happen to me, it could happen to anyone.
If you think your partner might be a coercive controller or abusive in another way, talk to someone – it’s illegal and it’s abuse and you are worth more.